Category: Life Lessons

I’ve been a grandma for 15 months, and my life is richer because of it. When our daughter, Janet, was expecting, everyone told me I’d love being a grandma. That’s so true! The wonders of being a grandma continue to surprise me.

Unexpected Worries

The first surprising thing about my grandson, Walter, was the worry. I’m a mom, so it’s my job to worry. When he was born in February 2023, another little person entered my life to worry about. Bringing a baby into the world doesn’t always go as planned. So, I did my share of worrying during those first few days for Walter and his mom and dad.

The Joy of Bonding

Thankfully, the worry faded. Now I can enjoy the happy surprises of life as a grandmother. One of the biggest surprises is how wonderful it feels to have Walter stretch out his little baby hands for me to hold him. I feel like I won the lottery, because I was chosen over Mom, Dad, and his favorite person, Grandpa Bill. I’m also surprised by how much I love our one-on-one time. Over the past 15 months, we took walks together, played together, and built a snowman together. What a joy it is to hear him squeal with delight when I chase him and hear him babble when I talk to him. I am really getting to know him, and he’s getting to know me, too.

Diaper Dilemma

Another surprising thing – changing a diaper is tricky. The first time I changed Walter, I put the diaper on backwards. Diapers haven’t changed that much in 30 years, so it must have been me that changed. I admit I was rusty, I had no trouble the second time around. While Walter has grown and changed so much in 15 months, he’s still a baby who needs a lot of care – and a lot of diaper changes.

Cherished Moments

But sometimes, he seems so grown up. I remember one Sunday at church when little Walter surprised us all. Grandpa Bill was holding Walter during the Mass, when Walter imitated my folded hands and my singing. Bill thought he was holding an angel. What a moment!

Baby-Proof Adventures

I’m also surprised that the contents of my cabinets are so interesting. Walter loves to open the cabinet doors, pull everything out, and spread everything around on the floor. Our house isn’t baby-proofed. When Janet and Walter visited in April, Walter was exploring our bathroom cabinets while Janet was running his bath water. I heard Janet sigh with exasperation and say, “Oh, Walter!” He had pulled out the toilet bowl cleaner, Windex, and other no-nos. The cleaners all ended up on the countertop, out of his reach.

Parenting Comes Naturally

Finally, I’m surprised by how wonderful it is to see Janet and Tyler as parents. They sing him silly songs, play silly games, and use silly voices when they read books to him. They are naturals – so loving, fun and responsible as Mommy and Daddy.

Happy Mother’s Day

So far, being a grandmother has been everything it’s cracked up to be. I’m looking forward to more surprises in life as Walter’s grandma. Happy Mother’s Day to all moms and grandmothers, too.

In July, we learned the exciting news.
In August, I shopped at a zillion rummage sales, until my car was so full that I couldn’t fit another baby bib or onesie inside.
In November, I co-hosted a baby shower, with more cute rubber duckies than I’ve ever seen in my life.
In December, I opened a special Christmas gift, a sweatshirt with my soon-to-be new title, Grandma.
In February, the doctor set a date for Mom and Dad to be at the hospital for something incredible.
Today, we’re at T minus 6, and the waiting is really getting to me.

Such a Long Wait for This Grandma-To-Be

For heaven’s sake, nine months is long enough! I can’t imagine being an elephant’s grandma-to-be. Elephants have 22-month gestational periods! Plus, they’re too big to swaddle, hold in my arms, and just gaze at in wonder. I’m having trouble concentrating on work today. My mind keeps drifting to thoughts of Janet and Tyler and the baby boy they’re expecting.

Grandmotherly Advice

Over the last few months, I’ve heard from so many grandparents, and every one of them was excited to tell me that I will love being a grandma. In the summer, I volunteered at Vacation Bible School, and the 4- and 5-year-olds melted my heart. When one little girl sat next to me and rested her head against my arm at the closing prayer service, I couldn’t help but smile.
Then, last month I went on retreat with 30 teenagers, who offered me marvelous advice about how to be a phenomenal grandparent:

• Always have cookies and good food on hand
• Take trips to the park or play outside together
• Slip the grandkids a little cash once in a while
• Attend their concerts, sporting events, etc.
• Never be too busy to listen
• And the dubious advice that really cracked me up: Say “Yes” to the things that Mom and Dad say “No” to – within reason, of course.

The Road to Motherhood

The road to motherhood hasn’t been all unicorns and rainbows for Janet, and I admire her for always doing what’s right for her and the baby. I also admire Tyler’s support through it all. They’ll make wonderful parents, that’s for certain.

I remember a few days after Janet got her driver’s license years ago, and she asked to use the car. To my surprise, she wanted to go visit Grandma Pat. I want to be that kind of Grandma. Just a few more days until I join the ranks of Grandparenthood.

Postscript Note from the New Grandmother

Here’s an update: Walter Carl was born on Feb. 18. Mom, Dad, and baby Walter all are doing well. So is Grandma Joan although I’m still getting accustomed to the title Grandma Joan. I had the chance to hold him and rock him when he was just a week old. Now, he’s smiling! And so am I.

We did something big this month – as in 19,341 feet Mount Kilimanjaro big. It’s hard to top that! (Pun intended.) I use the word “we” loosely. My husband, Bill Koehne, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro while I remained in Abrams at a ridiculously low elevation of 696 feet. I may not have spent eight days climbing a mountain, but I was there in spirit. You see, Bill carried my mini-me Wonder Writer action figure to the summit to remind him of my support and to snap some rare photos of Wonder Writer soaring above the clouds.  

Do you have what it takes to climb Kilimanjaro?

For those who don’t live with a mountain climbing fanatic like I do, let me tell you a little about the amazing feat Bill achieved. On July 6, Bill departed O’Hare Airport and on July 7, arrived at Kilimanjaro International Airport 8,000 miles away. Mount Kilimanjaro actually is a dormant volcano and has three volcanic cones. Located in Tanzania in eastern Africa, Kilimanjaro is the highest mountain in Africa. It’s higher than any mountain peak in the U.S. with the exception of Mount McKinley in Alaska. Although Mount Kilimanjaro isn’t a steep climb, summiting the mountain is extremely difficult. Here are a few reasons:

Acclimate to the high altitude

Bill’s group of seven climbed four days before spending two nights at 14,117 feet to let their bodies adjust to the elevation. The next day, they hiked to high camp, called the School Hut, at 15,518 feet to prepare for the summit the following day. One night, Bill’s blood oxygen level fell to 81 percent, which was a concern because levels under 80 end a hiker’s climb. Fortunately, Bill rebounded to an acceptable 93% the following day.

Endure cold, windy sections of the trail

For someone like Bill who detests Wisconsin winters, tenting in 15-degree temps is really uncomfortable. When you add in the rain and the wind, the mountain becomes even more inhospitable. With a sleeping bag liner and hand warmers tucked inside his mummy-shaped sleeping bag, he made the best of it.

Undergo an arduous summit day

The group started the day at 3am and ended the day 11 hours, 20 minutes later. First, they climbed to Gilman’s Point to see extraordinary views from the crater rim at 18,640 feet. After two more hours of hiking, they reached the summit of Uhura Peak at 19,341 feet. You’d never guess what Bill carried to the summit. Because the porters carried his pack, he carried something belonging to his mountain climbing guide – a ukulele in its case. Why a ukulele? His guide Ricardo, a musician, wanted to record a song on at the mountain top. Unbelievable!

Make it home safe and sound

Bill returned home on July 17 after this trip of a lifetime. Wonder Writer made it home, too, with a little volcanic dust on her costume but otherwise in good shape.

Check Mt Kilimanjaro off the bucket list

Bill has had some incredible experiences hiking and climbing in Hawaii, Colorado, France, and Spain. In July 2022, he added Mount Kilimanjaro to his list of accomplishments. I’m amazed by each one! Now when Bill tells me he wants to climb something or hike something, I take him seriously. How does he do it? He tells me it’s as simple as putting one foot in front of the other.

Call it a mother’s intuition. It never failed that I was up just shy of 1 a.m. to see our son, Will, walk through the door on his visits home from Atlanta. He’d pull into the driveway after the 15-hour drive to Wisconsin, and I was there to welcome him home.

When Will arrived home in June, I was nowhere to be found. He was surprised by my absence, and he certainly let me know it! I didn’t realize how much it meant to be there for him. I should know better by now. You’re never too old to be loved by your mom.

Talking about age, I look at Will sometimes and wonder. How can this 30-year-old man be my son? I can still picture him as a baby in my arms. The 1 a.m. feedings when he was a baby lacked the welcome-home excitement that his cross-country road trips created. Instead, the middle-of-the-night meetings were exhausting, but a rite of passage nonetheless.

Nowadays, Will arrives home at a decent hour. He moved to Madison in May 2021 after 4 years in Atlanta and 2 years in Philadelphia during the travel-restricted COVID-19 years. 

Finally, one of our birdies flew closer to the nest! I remember Will opening Christmas gifts during a video call. Sure, it was the next best thing to being together in person, but a poor substitute. Now, Will attends all of the holiday gatherings, with a few extra visits thrown in. Plus, I get to visit him in Madison. We’ve gone to the Milwaukee Brewers game on Star Wars Night, walked to the Governor’s Mansion from his apartment, and toured Olbrich Botanical Garden. I met his girlfriend, Jenny, and I look forward to getting to know her. I bet she’s willing to wake up at 1 a.m. to greet him after a long absence.

So, what about the other birdie that flew the coop? Our daughter, Janet, and her husband, Tyler, are feathering their nest in Mellen and getting more comfortable in the home they purchased in the fall of 2019. Last week they planted two apple trees and ordered a weeping willow. It’s pretty obvious that they put down roots. Mellen, home of the Granite Diggers, is a Northern Wisconsin community where the people are friendly, the snow is deep, and the moon is bright. Needless to say, they like it Up North. Visiting their nest takes more time and more gasoline, but it’s worth it. It keeps my mothering instincts sharp.

This Mother’s Day I’m welcoming a new mom to the club! I just got a text message from my sister, Sue, the newest Marcks girl to become a grandma. 

Congratulations to all of the moms celebrating Mother’s Day, whether it’s your first, 30^th or something even grander. Whatever your age and whatever the hour, always be there for your kids. It means more to them than you realize. To read last year’s Mother’s Day reflection, go to Mother’s Day 2021: Selfies & Family Movies

I had the most magnificent birthday this year. It will be hard to top this in a million years. But I guess a million years is small-potatoes in the history of the earth. The wondrous venue where I celebrated my 57^th birthday was a lot older than me! Bill and I were vacationing in New Mexico, home to Carlsbad Caverns National Park, where 4- to 6-million years ago sulfuric acid dissolved the limestone and left behind gypsum, clay, and silt.

Without a guide and relying on the occasional light reflecting off the formations, we walked the 1.25-mile trail that slowly meandered down 75 stories to the base of the Big Room. The Big Room is aptly named. It’s the largest single cave chamber by volume in North America. Every single cave I toured in my lifetime could have fit inside the Big Room.

At one point, after hiking for over an hour, we stopped to sit on stone benches. I sat in awe of the majesty of it all. So vast, top to bottom, side to side. So interesting, with mounds, curves, and rock that looked nothing like rock. Not beautiful. There was too much dirt to be beautiful, but stunning.

As I sat there, a felt a reverence for this big, open space. I hadn’t felt that way since I visited Rome and sat inside the majestic cathedrals with high arches and grandiose ceilings that took my breath away. Sitting in the Big Room, I marveled at the natural beauty found so deep underground.

Over our two weeks of hiking in New Mexico and Arizona, we saw even more beauty above ground. Sometimes, like on Cathedral Rock in Sedona, we hiked for miles before reaching the reward of a summit view.

I felt so small at times, while walking alongside the towering red rocks of Sedona or the mountains of New Mexico. Yet I never felt insignificant. Maybe it was because of all the happy birthday wishes, cards, and presents I received. Birthdays are so wonderful because of the outpouring of love – like a flash flood in the Arizona desert. Even as small as I was compared to the vast mountains and caves of the Southwest, I was big in the lives of my family and friends, especially my husband. Every time we vacation together, he tells me that he can’t imagine being with anyone else. A marriage like that is rock solid.

I am so thankful for our Southwest vacation, for the opportunity to leave everyday life behind and climb to amazing heights, travel to astounding depths, and see amazing sights. Definitely a birthday to remember. Thanks for all of the happy birthday wishes!

(To read another birthday post, go to Why I Love Turning 54.)

Every Mother’s Day, I reflect on my past year as mom to Janet (Tyler) and Will. My favorite photo from the past year is the photo of Will, Janet, Bill, and me on the deck of Janet and Tyler’s home. We were out on the second-story deck shooting clay pigeons on an unseasonably warm November afternoon. We all lined up side-by-side for Bill to take a selfie. I looked at our four faces reflected on Bill’s cellphone and said, “Hey! That’s us!” Will laughed and said, “Of course, that’s us.”

Selfie Reminds Me How Family Looks

Why was I so surprised? Well, it had been a long time since I saw “us.” I guess I forgot what “us” looked like. You’d think it would be easy to get four people together more often than once a year. Not for us. This year was especially difficult. Distance is part of the problem. Although Bill and I haven’t moved from our Abrams home where we raised the kids, Will lives in Philadelphia and Janet lives in Northern Wisconsin. Covid-19 was another part of the problem. Family gatherings were few and far-between since March 2020. Trips were canceled. Holidays were smaller. Phone and video visits kept us connected, but it wasn’t the same as being together.

Family Videos = A Glimpse Into the Past

The highlight of our short weekend at Janet and Tyler’s in November was watching family videos. Those videos turned back the clock so we could see our family 20 years ago. We were reminded how we looked, the clothes we wore, but best of all, the fun we had being together.

What fun it was to see the kids doing science projects in the kitchen with soup cans and coins. Oh, did we laugh! The only clip that topped the science video was our trip to Gatorland in Florida, followed by a hilarious Gatorland re-creation by Willy and Janet and their stuffed animals. They put on a show even more entertaining than the original. We laughed until our sides hurt.

A Mother’s Day Wish

I miss those hectic days when the kids were little and the house was alive with activity. Even today, Will, Janet, and Tyler bring energy and laughter into our home when they visit. I wish those visits happened more often, so I can remember how “us” looks.

Well, I got my wish this Mother’s Day! All of us are vaccinated against Covid and feel more confident getting together. Plus, Will is moving back to Wisconsin at the end of May! He will live in Madison and work for the Wisconsin Department of Health Services as a Preparedness and Emergency Health Care Epidemiologist. That’s a mouthful! I can’t wait to welcome him back home and pose for more photos of “us.”

To read last year’s Mother’s Day reflection, go to Role reversal: A Mother’s Day Tribute to Our Kids

What are you giving up for Lent? That was a popular question when I was a kid. I was pretty good at giving up treats like chocolate or ice cream. After a while, I decided to stop giving up and add instead. One Lent I prayed the rosary on my drive to work. Another Lent, I attended Mass at the local Catholic school each week.

Do Something With Love

A couple of years ago, I was struggling to decide what to do for Lent. It was Ash Wednesday, and I still hadn’t hit on the right thing. That’s when Fr. Judah Pigon at St. Pius threw out this suggestion. Instead of giving up something, why not do something with love instead? That question got me thinking. What could I change in my faith life to be more loving? Then the answer came to me. I would stop being antsy and pushy when it was time to leave for church. My worry about getting to church on time spoiled the Sunday morning drive. Plus, my stressed-out attitude didn’t get me to church any earlier.

Developing a Calm Attitude

Obviously, people have different concepts of time. For some, being on time is arriving 10 minutes early. Others routinely arrive fashionably late, and that’s acceptable. Clearly, my husband, Bill, and I didn’t share the same perspective regarding time. So, I decided to change the before-church rush during Lent. Instead of nagging or rushing Bill, I would be calm and relaxed. I told him, “I’ll be in the car.” I have to admit, for the first few weeks I sat in the car and stewed. After a while, things started to change. I didn’t mind waiting. By the end of Lent, Bill was getting to the car before me! Not exactly the miracle of Easter, but I was surprised.

Lenten Practice Brings Peace

I realized I wasn’t just loving Bill more that Lent, I was loving myself. I let go of the needless Sunday morning stress and felt better. I’m happy to report that this Lenten practice had long-lasting effects. Bill and I decide on an appropriate time to leave for church, and I don’t pressure him out the door anymore. Our rides to church are more peaceful, and we always arrive early. I learned a valuable lesson about love and patience that year.

What will you do this Lent to show love?

Today is Father’s Day, a day to recall the ordinary things in life that make fathers extraordinary. Dads don’t need fancy words or lengthy lectures to motivate and bond with their kids. When I was a kid, my dad used a couple of great phrases to get me and my five sisters motivated in the morning. Years later, these sayings still make me smile.

Silly phrase before school

My dad, Jim Marcks, was an agriculture teacher at Luxemburg-Casco High School. Instead of riding the school bus, we would pile into the station wagon and ride to school with him each morning. I remember him calling from the utility room, “Time to go, straight shooters and crooked shooters.” Why he referred to us this way, I can only imagine. Anyway, this silly phrase got us out the door.

Triumphant saying that unified us

This leads to another of my favorite sayings. As we backed out of the garage, Dad would say, “And we’re off, like a herd of turtles and a dirty shirt.” This triumphant saying unified us as a family. We accomplished something together, even something as routine as a ride to school.

Motivation for summer chores

Summer vacation brought a new motivational phrase in the morning. We loved to sleep in, but Dad wanted us to get out of bed and out to the barn. “Sheep are hungry,” he’d call from downstairs. He confirmed what we already knew. We could hear our sheep baaing in the back yard, but we weren’t ready to get out of bed!

Simple question, important answer

The final saying I remember was a 3-word question he asked at a pivotal time in my life. He realized I was pretty serious about the guy I was dating – and later married. I didn’t get a lecture or advice. Dad simply asked, “Is he capable?” Those three words covered a lot of ground.

Happy Father’s Day

It just goes to show that dads don’t need to say a lot to say a lot. Sure, Dad and I had a lot of good conversations over the years, and I’m grateful for these. These helped shape my outlook on life. Still, it’s his simple sayings that are so fun to recall, especially on this day devoted to dads. Happy Father’s Day!

The tables were turned in 2019 when I underwent a stem cell transplant to treat leukemia. I was accustomed to being the caregiver for our two kids, but last summer, they were my caregivers instead. From June to August, I lived in an apartment complex close to Froedtert Hospital in Milwaukee. A dozen different caregivers stayed with me, including our two kids, Will and Janet.

This Mother’s Day, I’m reminded of the time we spent together; the laughs and the love.

Major Life Changes for All of Us

A year ago, the three of us were undoing major life changes. In May 2019, Will earned a Master’s degree in epidemiology at Emory University in Atlanta. Since he didn’t start work at the Philadelphia Health Department until August, he became my weekday caregiver by default.

Janet married Tyler Roberts on May 4, 2019, after two years of long-distance romance. I know she was looking forward to life as a newlywed, yet she made me this offer, “I can be anywhere you need me to be.” That made my heart melt. Janet became my weekday caregiver in August, and when I broke out with an itchy rash in September, she made the 5-hour trip from her home in Washburn to get me to the doctor.

A Mother’s Day Message

Despite the difficultly of undergoing cancer treatment, I have many happy memories of summer 2019. I remember enjoying an accordion concert in the dining hall. I laughed when the musician chose Janet and Tyler to accompany him with odd instruments. Janet and I had a lot of fun dancing to Dance Dance Revolution and taking turns playing piano and singing songs. She made me homemade gummy bears and crepes.

With Will, I remember his lame jokes that helped lighten the mood. One night he performed an off-the-cuff “rap” song before “wrapping” my arm to keep my PICC line dry in the shower. He’s a smart guy, and I liked to talk with him about current events, medical topics, and anything else that popped into my head. He baked chocolate chip cookies and chicken thighs.

Walking, Singing, Playing Together

The kids drove me to appointments, made sure I followed my doctor’s instructions, cooked meals, and did laundry. We played board games and dice games, shot pool, and played ping pong. We took walks around the apartment complex and the Mequon Nature Preserve.

Both of the kids are great singers, and I loved hearing them sing along to “Anchor’s Away.” I’d get myself motivated for the day by listening to marches, and “Anchor’s Away” played every time.

Out of Adversity Comes Blessings

One thing I learned this summer is this: out of adversity comes blessings. The kids and I were so blessed to spend time together – not just a holiday weekend or 30-minute phone call but every day and every night for weeks at a time. Our shared experiences drew us closer. Will and Janet were there when I needed them, helping me through the tough times and enjoying the good times.

I am now cancer free, and I’m so grateful our kids helped me reach this milestone. They were wonderful caregivers, and I’ll always remember the summer we spent together.

I might even send them a Mother’s Day card this year.

Over the past 70 days I lived in a new world of healthcare appointments and medical treatments. I learned a whole new vocabulary and adjusted to a new routine. Because of these changes, I required extra TLC. Luckily, I had wonderful caregivers caring for me. This summer I learned some important lessons about caregiving.

Here are my 10 tips for caregivers

1. Walk my pace.

It’s frustrating knowing that I’m not as peppy as I used to be. Likewise, it’s frustrating to fall behind when I walk with someone. I’m grateful to the caregivers who naturally adjust their pace to match mine.

2. Crack a joke.

Laughter is the best medicine, so they say. Caregivers who make me laugh certainly brighten my day and focus my attention on something other than my own troubles. A sense of humor can bust even my darkest mood.

3. Let me sleep in.

Rest is a precious commodity as I’m recovering. Caregivers who close the blinds and stay super-quiet in the morning are the best. Starting the day fully rested helps me deal with whatever comes my way.

4. Surprise me with simple things.

Caregivers don’t need to spend a fortune to make someone smile. Just the surprise of receiving something fun is enough. I’m a sucker for a box of animal crackers or a pack of my favorite gum. It was fun to hear my caregivers play a song they knew I’d like.

5. Suggest menu alternatives.

“What are you hungry for?” was a tough question to answer when I didn’t have much of an appetite. Instead, I liked it when caregivers gave me a choice between a couple of menu options. “Do you want salmon or chicken for supper?” I could answer that question much easier.

6. Take notes at appointments.

This is a biggie. I sometimes hear only what I want to hear. By taking notes, my caregivers have a record of what my doctors say. I can look back and confirm what’s true and what’s just wishful thinking.

7. Write down my questions.

I have the doctor’s attention for just a short time. It’s too easy to forget what I wanted to ask about, and then the opportunity is gone. My caregivers added their questions, too, and wrote down the answers.

8. See what I don’t.

Having an outsider’s perspective is really helpful. Caregivers can catch me when I slip up, like when I made faces while listening to the nurse’s instructions (which my son thought was rude). I think my emotions got the best of me.

9. Keep me on task.

My caregivers got me out the door on time for appointments. They made sure I took my medicine, got enough rest, and ate well.

10. Ask how I’m feeling.

My caregivers were so considerate. They couldn’t always tell how I was feeling, so they asked me. If I wasn’t feeling well, they gave me suggestions of what to do.

Contributing to my recovery

People say it’s the little things that matter, and I think that’s true for caregivers. I’m so thankful they were able to drive me to appointments, prepare meals, keep me company, and take care of household chores. My caregivers were an integral part of my recovery process. I salute them and all caretakers who unselfishly give of themselves to others. You rock!